Aussiehalley - Halley Down Under

world's best invention: in your frozen food aisle - or - more than you wanted to know about where I put my feet

For all you crazy kids in the Northern Hemisphere, it's going into summer here. I am sitting in a gauzy (read: see-through) skirt and tank top. It's very much an "inside the house where no one will see me" outfit, but the weather calls for it. A few days ago it got HOT. It got hot for the first time, really, so we weren't prepared. I was wearing an outfit very similar to the one I'm in now. And we were trying to maximize the cross breeze that the realtor wouldn't stop going on and on about. After we all separately asked Sarah if her bedroom shades were open in front of the screen (they were), I realized it was time to put in the screen for my window, maximizing the potential for wind-tunnel gusts. (Sarah's room and my room are at one end of the first floor and the living room, with its big windows, are at the opposite side of the apartment. What does that spell? Cross breeze.)

Why didn't I put the screen in earlier? Am I lazy? Maybe. Am I a jerk? Perhaps. Do I just like the heat? Definitely not. The problem was that there was a whole spider civilization attached to the window. I am not a fan of spiders. Before I get any comments on the subject, yes, I know I'm bigger than they are, and yes, I know they're more afraid of me than I am of them, but just stuff it, because we all know that those are just lies that we tell ourselves before the big, scary spider jumps from its web and eats my face off. However, in the name of the cross breeze, I sucked it up and opened the window.

I moved my books and papers from below the window, so I could have maximum movement possibilities. With a box of tissues and a bag to put them in, I began grabbing the webs attached to the window. They were also stuck in the corners and up high. It may have happened that once or twice or seven times, I yelled loud enough to bring the roommates running to see if, in fact, my face was being eaten off. I promise you, the yelling came naturally and I would have stopped the impulse if I could have. But when the breeze blows just as you are picking up a handful of nastiness and you feel it creeping all over your skin, with its bug carcases and fly wings and possibly other unknown things still alive, umm, ew! you might yell also. For the up-too-high things and big-alive-pinchy things, I recruited Eric the Brave, who compassionately set free the living spiders to find alternate dwellings.

With the screen in place (and me in a change of clothes because who knows what got on me in all that mishagas), our cross breeze was free to, umm, breeze. Standing in certain spots, it was great. In general, though, it was just too hot. So before I boiled over, I was rescued by the invention that has impacted many a life. Not the microwave, not the tv, not Freaky Freezy mittens. It was, my friends, the bag of frozen peas. Oh gawd, had I but world enough and time I would amaze and astound you with its feats of glory. But let me just say, for a headache, a sore knee, or a hot day, there is nothing better than a bag of frozen peas.*

I wet a washcloth, put it over the peas, and put the two on a plastic bag on the floor and set my feet to it. O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Best thing ever.



*Idiot tip: Slam the bag on the kitchen floor before use to break up the peas. The brilliant little things will perfectly mold to the shape. And a big frozen block is just kinda painful. Frozen broccoli is less useful. Corn niblets are fine, but the peas will last longer in the freezing and refreezing process. Do not eat.

posted by Halley @ 11:50 PM